Doctor: You need to exercise and lose weight.
Woman: I know, Doctor. You’re absolutely right. And I’m going to do just that right away. I’ve been meaning to for quite a while.
Doctor: You are overweight. You must lose weight. Try exercising and going on a low fat diet.
Woman: That sounds like a plan. Thank you Doctor. I’m going to go with your suggestion.
Doctor: Your weight is a bit of a concern. It’s not at a critical point but underweight people tend to be healthier overall.
Woman: I know, I’m a big fat pig. I don’t know what to do, but I know I’m going to do something. I will not be a pig, I just won’t. I’ve sworn it to myself.
Doctor: I’ve said to you on numerous occasions you need to lose weight. It says so here in the charts. It’s easy: Take in fewer calories than you burn. Keep a calorie journal. Exercise.
Woman: Thank you, Doctor. I make things so hard. Sometimes I can complicate even the easiest of things. I’ll be thinner the next time you see me, I promise.
Doctor: I think you need to lose the weight. Otherwise, I may have to consider referring you to someone else.
Woman: Don’t refer me, Doctor! Don’t send me away! I love these little sessions when you remind me how fat I am, how unsuccesful I’ve been with diets and exercise! I’m reminded of my father. Please, spank me, spank me! Please!
Doctor: You can lose the weight if you only eat enough for a gnat. Just do that. Just eat a gnat’s diet and this will be so simple. Look up “gnat diet” and follow it to the letter. Just put that on a plate and eat it and when you’re done, eat the plate.
Woman: That sounds so yummy! So easy! Thank you!
Doctor: Only meat this year. Nothing else. Buy a freezer full of meat. Let a piece of it thaw before evey meal. Let it get blood red and juicy. Eat it rare, barely cooked on the grill.Let that satisfy you. Lots of fat.
Woman: Yum! Is that really a diet? I’ll take it!
Doctor: Have some decency. Cover up more of your fat. I can’t even stand to see you anymore. Why do you come here? How can I help you? I can’t stand the sight of you, you big white sow.
Woman: I am quite happy, really, now give me my estrogen you goat.
Doctor: I fucking hate you.
Woman: You are my my abassador of quan.
First appeared in The New Absurdist